The employee handbook: that sacred document designed to guide and inform your employees, creating a cohesive, knowledgeable, and harmonious workplace. But what if you don’t want that? What if your goal is to make sure your employee handbook is as useless as a screen door on a submarine? Look no further! Here’s your ultimate guide to creating an employee handbook that no one will ever use.
1. Make It Longer Than a Russian Novel
Tolstoy’s got nothin’ on your handbook! If War and Peace can fit into one volume, so can your employee handbook. Aim for at least 1,200 pages. Include every conceivable policy, no matter how irrelevant or obscure. For instance, a detailed dress code for “Casual Mermaid Fridays” and a 50-page treatise on the proper use of the fax machine (which, of course, nobody uses).
2. Write in Legalese
Ensure that every sentence is as convoluted and confusing as possible. Use words like “heretofore,” “aforementioned,” and “notwithstanding” liberally. The goal is to make sure that understanding the handbook requires a law degree and a strong desire to live in a Kafkaesque nightmare.
3. Use a Small Font
Who needs glasses when you can squint? Design the entire handbook in 6-point font. If you can fit two words per millimeter, you’re doing it right. Employees will love the extra eye strain and headaches that come with trying to read your tiny text. They should keep reading glasses and magnifying glasses on hand, anyway.
4. Include Useless Information
Fill your handbook with irrelevant and outdated information. Chapters on the proper care and feeding of office plants (even though you all work remotely), the history of the company’s founding in 1885 (in excruciating detail), and the CEO’s favorite recipe for Ham in Aspic will ensure that employees quickly lose interest.
5. Make It Hard to Access
Make sure your handbook is available only in hard copy and store it in a location that’s difficult to find — like a locked filing cabinet in the basement, behind a door with a sign that reads “Beware of the Leopard.” Ensure there’s only one copy, and it’s heavily guarded by an indignant intern named Kevin.
6. Update It Constantly
To keep things fresh and exciting, update the handbook every week. This way, employees can never be sure if the policy on “Personal Use of Office Supplies” they read last Monday is still valid today. Send these updates via fax to add an extra layer of inconvenience. This will also give you an excuse to keep that fax machine. (See No. 1.)
7. Use Bizarre Imagery and Examples
Illustrate your handbook with surreal, abstract images and inexplicable examples. For instance, explain your dress code with photos from Game of Thrones, or describe your vacation policy using metaphors involving Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Confusion is your ally.
8. Contradict Yourself Frequently
Ensure the handbook contradicts itself as often as possible. Be sure that one section says lunch breaks are 30 minutes, followed by another insisting they’re an hour, and yet another suggesting employees should just snack continuously throughout the day. This will keep everyone guessing and ensure nobody ever refers to the handbook for guidance.
9. Include a Draconian Code of Conduct
Develop a code of conduct that is both overly strict and absurdly specific. For example, prohibit the use of blue ink on Wednesdays and mandate that a paperless office needs to have no paper whatsoever in workstations. Enforce random and severe penalties for infractions to keep employees on their toes. For example, if someone has a bit of paper on their desk, make sure to throw it out when they leave for a break.
10. Make the Tone as Dry as Possible
Adopt a tone that’s as engaging as reading stereo instructions in monotone. Remember that teacher from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off? Channel his energy! Avoid humor, anecdotes, or anything remotely interesting. The goal is to make sure employees fall into a stupor within the first paragraph. While we mentioned using bizarre illustrations earlier, incorporating absolutely no graphics at all is even better.
Bonus Tip: Make Orientation a Marathon
During orientation, read the entire handbook out loud, word for word. This session should last the entire workday, with a 15-minute lunch at most – no other breaks. Use a slow, droning voice to ensure maximum disengagement. This will guarantee that new hires are so traumatized by the experience that they’ll never look at the handbook again.
The Cherry on Top: Forget Digital Copies
In the unlikely event that someone actually wants to refer to the handbook, ensure there are no digital copies. Make any attempt to scan or photocopy it result in a document that looks like it’s been through a warzone. Keep your handbook purely analog, embracing the nostalgia of a pre-digital age.
Final Thoughts
By following these steps, you’ll create an employee handbook that’s not only ignored but also actively avoided. Your employees will be left to navigate the murky waters of company policy through rumor and guesswork, ensuring a workplace atmosphere that’s as chaotic as it is entertaining. After all, who needs structure and clarity when you can have confusion and mayhem?
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Resources
“Bueller? – Ferris Beuller’s Day Off (1/3) Movie CLIP (1986) HD.” YouTube. 2012. Accessed 7/17/24. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KS6f1MKpLGM
“Game of Thrones.” IMDB. Accessed 7/17/24. https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0944947/
“Ham in Aspic.” Vintage Recipe Cards. Accessed 7/17/24. https://vintagerecipecards.com/2012/07/26/ham-in-aspic/
“Kafkaesque.” Merriam-Webster. Accessed 7/17/24. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/Kafkaesque
“Monty Python and the Holy Grail.” IMDB. Accessed 7/17/24. https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0071853/
“War and Peace.” Amazon. Accessed 7/17/24. https://www.amazon.com/dp/8175992832/
