User Guide: Celebrating Festivus – a Non-Denominational Holiday for the Rest of Us

Overview

Festivus is a minimalist winter holiday celebrated annually on December 23rd. Born out of frustration, immortalized by Seinfeld’s Frank Costanza (and, legally speaking, created by author Dan O’Keefe), Festivus is the un-holiday holiday. No tinsel. No commercialization. No pressure. Just unfiltered honesty, questionable feats of strength, and a tall metal pole.

This guide provides the essential steps for a successful Festivus observance, along with troubleshooting tips for common emotional malfunctions (such as caring too much or attempting to feel joy).

What’s Included (Unboxing Festivus)

Model No: SEIN-DEC23 | Firmware Version: 1997.12.18

• 1 (one) unadorned aluminum pole
• 1 (one) home-cooked meal (optional, but strongly suggested: meatloaf on a bed of lettuce)
• A living room with grudges
• Participants (friends, family, innocent bystanders)
• A healthy sense of irony
• Low expectations

Setup Instructions

Step 1: Install the Festivus Pole

1. Obtain a standard aluminum pole (curtain rod, industrial pipe, or disassembled flagpole).
2. Do not decorate it. Tinsel is strictly prohibited and considered an abomination.
3. Place the pole in a visible location, preferably next to where a traditional tree would be, so others can feel uncomfortable about their own choices.

Pro Tip: Aluminum has a very high strength-to-weight ratio. Bring this up often.

Step 2: Prepare the Airing of Grievances

1. At dinner, rise from your chair and announce: “I got a lot of problems with you people, and now you’re gonna hear about it!”
2. Proceed to methodically list the ways each attendee has disappointed you over the past year.
3. Use bullet points, charts, or a PowerPoint presentation if needed.

Note: Grievances must be non-violent, specific, and held with the intensity of a retail worker during holiday season returns.

Step 3: Participate in the Feats of Strength™

1. After the meal, challenge the head of the household to a wrestling match.
2. Festivus is not over until the head of the household is pinned.
3. Substitutions can be made if:

• The head of the household is unavailable.
• The designated “strong cousin” has recently completed CrossFit training.
• Legal counsel advises against physical confrontation.

Tip: Injuries incurred during feats of strength may be covered under your Festivus HMO plan. Check with HR.

Optional Modules

The Festivus Miracle

Any minor coincidence or remotely lucky event should be immediately declared a Festivus Miracle.

Examples:

• “The bus was only 14 minutes late—Festivus miracle!”
• “No one cried during the grievances—Festivus miracle!”

Watch “The Strike” (Seinfeld, Season 9, Episode 10)

• For spiritual grounding and cultural accuracy, viewing is recommended before attempting full Festivus deployment.
• Runtime: 22 minutes
• Emotional impact: Priceless

Troubleshooting

Legal Disclaimer

Festivus is not responsible for any familial discord, emotional catharsis, or overturned meatloaf trays resulting from improperly aired grievances. Side effects may include personal growth, laughter, and temporary estrangement.

Final Notes

Remember, Festivus is a celebration of the ordinary, the absurd, and the deeply personal. There are no greeting cards, no shopping sprees, and no pressure to be merry. Just an aluminum pole, a well-cooked meal, and all the unresolved tension you’ve been bottling up since March.

Enjoy it. Or don’t. It’s Festivus.

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