The employee handbook: that sacred document designed to guide and inform your employees, creating a cohesive, knowledgeable, and harmonious workplace. But what if you don’t want that? What if your goal is to create an employee handbook so confusing, inaccessible, and frustrating that employees actively avoid it? What if you want people to rely exclusively on rumors, Slack messages, and that one coworker who’s been around since 1998?
If that’s your mission, you’ve come to the right place. Follow these proven strategies to create an employee handbook nobody will ever use.
1. Make It Longer Than a Russian Novel
Forget concise. Forget user-friendly. Your employee handbook should rival War and Peace in both length and emotional exhaustion. Include every policy ever written, whether it’s relevant or not. Need examples?
A 40-page explanation of office chair adjustment procedures
A detailed history of every company logo redesign
A chapter dedicated to “Casual Mermaid Fridays”
Meeting notes from 2007 that nobody remembers creating
Remember: if employees can find information quickly, you’ve failed.
2. Write Exclusively in Legalese
Plain language is the enemy. Instead, ensure every sentence contains phrases such as:
- Heretofore
- Pursuant to
- Notwithstanding
- Aforementioned
Employees should need a law degree, a dictionary, and several cups of coffee just to understand the lunch policy. Bonus points if a single sentence occupies half a page.
3. Use the Smallest Font Allowed by Physics
Why stop at 8-point font when 6-point exists? The ideal employee handbook should require:
- Reading glasses
- A magnifying glass
- The zoom function
- Divine intervention
If employees can read the handbook without squinting, increase the challenge level.
4. Fill with Irrelevant Information
Nothing keeps readers engaged like information they absolutely don’t need. Consider including:
- The complete history of the company from its founding through today
- The CEO’s thoughts on sourdough bread
- Detailed care instructions for office plants in a fully remote company
- An organizational chart featuring employees who retired years ago
The goal is to bury useful information beneath mountains of trivia.
5. Make It Impossible to Find
In the old days, companies hid handbooks in filing cabinets. Today, we have technology. Store the handbook:
- In a forgotten SharePoint site
- Behind multiple permission requests
- Inside six nested folders
- Under a file name such as: FINAL_Employee_Handbook_v27_REVISED_FINAL2_ACTUALFINAL.pdf
For extra security, ensure nobody knows where it is.
6. Update It Constantly
Consistency is overrated. Update the handbook every week. Better yet, every day. Employees should never know whether the policy they read yesterday still applies today. When changes occur:
- Don’t announce them
- Don’t summarize them
- Don’t highlight them
Simply replace the document and expect everyone to notice.
7. Use Bizarre Imagery and Examples
Visuals should create confusion, not clarity. For example:
- Explain your dress code using fantasy characters.
- Describe paid time off with references to medieval quests.
- Illustrate workplace collaboration using interpretive dance
diagrams.
The less context you provide, the better.
8. Contradict Yourself Frequently
A truly ineffective handbook should provide multiple answers to the same question.
Examples:
- Lunch breaks are 30 minutes.
- Lunch breaks are 60 minutes.
- Lunch breaks are flexible and self-managed.
Similarly:
- Employees must work in the office three days per week.
- The company is proudly remote-first.
- Employees should use their best judgment.
Nobody should ever be completely certain they’re following policy correctly.
9. Make Search Impossible
Tables of contents are for amateurs. Use vague headings such as:
- General Policy
- Additional Policy
- Miscellaneous Policy
- Other Policy
If an employee searches for “vacation,” make sure the answer is hidden under a section called: Workforce Synergies and Attendance Optimization Frameworks. Finding information should feel like a treasure hunt without the treasure.
10. Make the Tone as Dry as Possible
The employee handbook should have all the excitement of stereo instructions read aloud in a monotone voice. Avoid:
- Humor
- Stories
- Examples
- Helpful explanations
If employees remain conscious after the first page, revise accordingly.
Bonus Tip: Turn Orientation into an Endurance Event
During onboarding, read the entire handbook aloud, word for word. Follow this with:
- An 87-slide PowerPoint presentation
- Three hours of policy explanations
- A mandatory knowledge check covering topics not included in either resource
New employees should leave orientation wondering what just happened.
The Cherry on Top: No Digital Access
If someone asks for a searchable version, act offended. Maintain a single master copy that cannot be downloaded, searched, bookmarked, or printed correctly. Any attempt to copy information should result in a document that looks like it survived a natural disaster.
Final Thoughts
By following these simple steps, you’ll create an employee handbook that employees actively avoid. Questions will be answered through guesswork. Policies will be interpreted through rumor. New hires will learn procedures from coworkers who “think that’s how we’ve always done it.”
Of course, effective employee handbooks do exactly the opposite. The best handbooks are easy to find, easy to search, written in plain language, and updated thoughtfully. They help employees get answers quickly and consistently without hunting through endless pages of confusing content.
After all, a handbook should support employees, not become the workplace equivalent of an escape room.
And remember: if an employee can find an answer in under 30 seconds, you’ve clearly made a terrible mistake and should immediately add three more approval workflows. 
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